Bond...

Loss...

No, i don't have real hopes that it would ever be found.
Call me dismal and pessimistic
but i worry about omens and signs.
Shit.
I sound so superstitious.
Yet i remember the spanish doll.
Smashed but mended.
Can this be lost and then found?
Hardly likely.
I don't like to see things when they shouldn't be.
Yet, when things are out of my control, i couldn't help it.
This could be an escapist mentality.
I blame myself for my carelessness
and worry if this could herald some deeper loss for me.
I am frightened of losses.
Perhaps some will say then that i am fearful of living too,
since isn't that what life is?
Gaining some and losing some.
Perhaps i am just selfish.
I don't mind losing what is not dear to me.
I embrace highs and lows only with certain stipulations.

Don't mess with my heart.
Don't mess with my mind.
Take my humour, my patience, my time.
Just not my heart or my mind.

This will sound haphazard. Precisely because i am feeling quite disoriented now. Losing my foothold somehow. It may seem inconsequential to most but i have just lost something very very dear to me. A pendant which i have been wearing daily for 5 years since Sept 20 1998. It was nothing expensive, just a little celtic pendant he bought from Ireland while on a trip there. I am quite sure it was never bought intentionally for me either. However, on the day of our departure from singapore to london, on my first year overseas, he put this pendant on me while we were waiting for the flight in the waiting lounge inside terminal 2. I could still remember quite clearly that i have been feeling miserable and sad because it was my first time leaving home to study overseas when he suddenly said that he had something for me. It was barely 2 months after we started going out together "officially" but yet this was one of the most important day of our lives together. It may sound silly but somehow, it has always felt that when he put the pendant on me, from then on, there was an unmistake feeling on my part that we have a bond beyond just friends. Despite many setbacks early in the relationship, this pendant had always made me felt somewhat special, perhaps a sense of belonging when all else around me sometimes denote otherwise. A branding of sort maybe. Branding me to him.

Throughout the years, the pendant lost it initial lustre but it didn't matter. I wore it everywhere i go everyday. On a few occasions when we fought, i took it off as a demonstration of cutting him off from myself but inevitably, it never stay off for more than 3 days. The pendant has grown to symbolize us. During the roughest period of our relationship, the pendant and the ring were the first things i thought of giving up beyond all else. And throughout the last 5 years of us being together, there has only been once when i have ever wanted to give them back to him. The value of these two combined is worth alot more than diamonds and pearls in my mind.

I cannot really articulate what things can mean for one, especially for me. I know i am someone who place tremendous amount of sentimental values on objects. I personify and give meanings to my belonging. Not a particularly good thing in this instance because by giving this pendant such symbolism and meaning, i find myself unable to detach myself from it. Between the pendant and the ring which i am now wearing on my left hand, i would have bear the pain slightly better if i have lost the ring. The pendant is older and was there right at the start. I feel lost without it.

Its stupid. So many times i asked how could i have lost it. How could i? How could i just drop it? I keep thinking and thinking about it. What carelessness? How could i? Where? Somehow i just still want to have hope of finding it but yet not daring to because fearing the disappointment will be greater still. But i am not willing to just let go like that. I am like that. Problem with letting go anything dear to me. Foolish selfishness. Narrowmindedness. Fool. To feel physical pain.

I don't care when you told me it is okie and that i will still feel it in my heart. I don't want to forget. I don't want you to forget. Don't you realize that you might? I don't want to give up. I don't want to hear that you are glad i feel so much for the pendant because it meant that i feel alot for us too. I know that. But this is not about that. This is about keeping hold of my last binding tread to what this relationship has been for me before everything cracked up last year. All my memories and emotions and love was anchored by it near my heart and now it seems everything is chaotic around me. I am feeling lost.

I have not said this for so long. But i love you. And you are right, i do. I just could never say it out loud for the last year. I have whispered it many times inside me and the pendant knows. See. Now everything is unleashed without it. You are glad because what you had hoped to hear has been released. But i have also lost something that stablized me throughout the year. Don't tell me that i shouldn't place so much empharsis on material objects. I don't really care.

I just felt so lost.

Okie.
Will be back in a bit.
Been a whirlwind sort of 2 weeks and now recovering from stomach flu.

Just remember suddenly that i have watched dimsum dollies a while back.
That must have been before national day.
Oh.
watching firewords from across the stadium at tanjong rhu.
Walking all the way from old airport road.
Geez.

Okie.
Leaving little "post-it" on my blog to help me remember.
Head all muddled.
Not in best condition to write anything more.
Will be back in abit.

In the perfect world, I wouldn't be writing this blog.

Seems like there are some speculations of employer's contribution towards CPF being cut.
How nice to have a big rousing NDP celebration, get everyone in the mood and then slash of their savings like that.
Perhaps in the midst of feeling patriotic, people wouldn't mind as much.
Seeing it as serving nation's duty.
Oh well.
Being one with hardly any sense of "country loyalty", i am just natually sceptical of what politicians today say and do.
Hopefully rumours will just remain rumours.

My old maid had decided to return home back to indonesia. In the her place, a brand new maid who has never been to Singapore before. Seems like another comfort zone is gone now cos' Siti (my old maid) has been with us for almost 5 years and for the whole of last year, she and me has been practically alone in our big big house. So it is safe to say that she knows all my little quirks, from what i like to eat and my habits each day. During the last 5 years she has learnt to cook a mean curry, ginger chicken and yam cake. She has also learnt english during her stay and i must say that her english is definitely better than my berhasa. But i guess it is about time she return home and lead the life she wanted (getting married and having a shop of her own) and all my well wishes goes to her.

Well, it is byebye Siti and hello Eka.

Pre National Day celebrations in school.
Very hot.
Need to sing a chinese song without lyrics.
Colleague say the way i bop my head is very funny.

Yes. I don't usually dance quite like that.
*grins*

Saw the short free performance at the concourse of the Esplanade.
A pianist and a flutist.
The acoustic was nice.
It is a different feeling altogether, to be able to stand so close to the performance and enjoy the music without much distracting noises (as opposed to people who are busking in the open).
Had a cup of yummy choco chip ice cream at the same time.

Bliss...

HmM... that should be enough twiddling for now.
*beams*

Tons of changes.
Any child with ASD will be pretty freaked out by now.
But i know you people can take it.

Can't you?

Me and my itchy fingers.
While fiddling, i impulsively decided to try a new template...
well... i guess it looks okie...
but there is not turning back now.

Now i have to fiddle more and try to get an email link up.
And i wonder how... Hmmm....

Thanks lainey for alerting me to the fact that there is something wrong with my comment counter. Strange to say, while people are able to post comments on my blogs, the counter doesn't click. Hence all these while, i have been ignoring my comment buttons because i thought no one had ever commented on anything that i wrote. Not that it really mattered of course, since i am just happily typing my drivel here and there. But it was very nice to go back and read some of the comments friends wrote at different times and i felt really really blessed in some ways because at the times when i thought i was alone, someone is really reading my junk here.

Anyway, thanks for being here with me all these times. It is sort of nice to be reminded that i'm not alone just when i thought that i was. Now if only someone can tell me how to fix that comment button thing. It would really make my day. *grins*

I think i shall go "fiddle".